Mentions of Self harm and suicide
Until The Very EndBy Kris.
| TW! Mentions of Self harm and suicide Until The Very EndBy Kris. This one day in July of 2021, me and my family were temporarily living between the border of Oregon and California. We were farming and selling our produce. During that time, I was very lonely. Sure, I had friends from Minnesota but I was alone, on my uncle’s farmland, lonely and boring. School was gonna start soon and my mother had told me and my younger brother, Elijah (not his actual name), were gonna go to online school again. This was during the covid pandemic so.. It was understandable. At that time, I was blowing up on a social media app and I decided to post a video about wanting to be friends with people online. All it said was, “HI! I’m looking for friends! If you see this and you’re interested in being my friend, please comment under this video, your social media or add me on this platform!” That’s what I said, or to basically sum it up. I blew up in under a day, I got nearly four thousand views, which for me was a lot. In total, I made forty friends out of the four thousand viewers. I managed to get most of their social media and that was it until someone else commented on my video, they caught my eye because their username was in chinese, or romanized chinese. They wanted to be my friend and added me quickly. I was a bit surprised for some reason but I added them back. I never got their name in the beginning of our friendship, I just called them by their username because we never got to introduce ourselves properly. It was then that they gave me their other social media and we started texting on there. They were the first one to text me because during that time, I grounded. Being grounded made me feel so left out because of how much I would miss when I got my phone back. They texted me saying how they had screen time and couldn’t always have a specific social media because their parents were strict and they had screen time so if i could, could i text them through their number. I obliged and added their number as a contact, their contact name was ALSO their username. It made me feel stupid for not knowing their name but knowing them for nearly a month. Also during this time, my friends from Minnesota were curious about who I was blabbing to them about. I always talked about that one specific friend that i met through a popular social media app and how we are really close in under a month. My friend soon asked me about their name and I couldn’t give them a straight answer, all I said was that their name was their username. They kept bugging me to ask so after a month and two weeks of being their friend, I asked. “Hey, I never asked for your name.” They didn’t respond quickly because of how busy their schedule is. I waited patiently and then somewhere at seven p.m, they responded to me. “OMG, I’M SO SORRY! I never got to introduce myself! My name is Kayle!” (Not their actual name) I saw their message and I read it before saying, “It’s fine! I’m Kris, you know that already.” I felt really silly because the only reason they knew my name was because it was in my username. When I finally got their name, they did an actual introduction with me. They were from Florida and they were 13 (at the time, they WERE gonna turn 14 in a few months though) and had a brother. I lied to them that I was from Texas and that I was 16 because I was very cautious and paranoid online, while in reality, I’m originally from Minnesota and I was 12. We had a lot of fun getting to know each other online. |
| After a while, I finally introduced her to my friends from Minnesota. “Guys! Meet my new friend, she’s really nice!” I exclaimed to my friends. They really liked them and we all became a big friend group, a group of seven people. We would always text and have small talks in our little group chat about little nothings. After a while, I made another friend, their name was Cici. Me and Cici also grew close, wayyyyy closer than I was to Kayle, to the point where I actually caught feelings for Cici. It made me feel guilty because in my heart, I really liked Kayle but I also liked Cici because he talked to me more. I didn’t know what to do until I got my phone taken away again so instead of overthinking it, I decided on something else to not focus on them too much. I was grounded because I was failing PE and during this time, I was struggling a lot. I was going through things as my body was transforming and changing, I was getting mature and going through puberty. I felt nasty in my skin and my only source of happiness was my friends and every time I got grounded, I would find something, anything to cope with. I’d write down how I felt and how I wanted to leave as soon as possible and hoped that I’d grow up faster and leave so I can be myself and be somewhat more free than I already was. I remember back at the beginning of the year, I saw a video of a girl explaining her self harm experience. I asked. “How could one do such horrible things to themselves?” I watched it with a sad expression. “I would never do that to myself, I will never self harm.” Like that said, I jinxed myself. Not even five months later, I started doing it. I remember how I’d make excuses to buy pencil sharpeners and I’d find my dad’s working razors, anything that I could find and use. I would give myself small cuts along my arms and as things got worse, I’d do more. I had no idea why I did that to myself. It just came somehow. I’d cover up with long sleeves and I’d always stay inside more often. If we had bandages, I’d cover up with them as well. One day, my mom found out she was taking us to get our covid shot and I pulled up my sleeve and accidentally revealed what i’ve been doing to myself. Fresh scars lined my arm, from my shoulder to my wrist, all separated and expanded. I quickly covered myself but my mom saw. After that, she shamed me for harming myself, she even told my relatives. It got really bad for me, to the point where I wanted to take my life. I kept getting my phone taken away and I grew used to hiding my things. I found my old broken phone and every night or every time I knew I’d get my phone taken, I’d switch them out. I snuck around, keeping things to myself and only often telling my friends things that I knew they’d be able to keep secret. I kept on harming myself to feel better, to keep my mind at ease and to keep my mind busy from thinking too much. I hated everything except Cici, Kayle and my friends. I wanted no more than to be with them. Every time I did it, I always said to myself, “I’ll stop sooner or later, it’s not even that bad.” I sighed as I knew I wouldn’t stop anytime soon. It only made things harder for me. I used to cry myself to sleep all the time because I couldn’t handle being without my friends. I really wanted to end my life. I really did. “Maybe.. Maybe if I just disappeared forever or died. I want more freedom than this.” The things I’d say. It was horrible. I never told any of my friends that I harmed myself, I’d usually keep it to myself and stay secretive. Plus, I was never able to see them so I had no excuse to show specific parts of my body. As time passed, I stopped. Stopped for a while at least. My razors had gone dull and wouldn’t and COULDN’T cut me. It made me anxious every time I thought about something. I wanted to get it all off of my mind and the only way I could cope was to cut but since my razors were no longer good, I jumped to beating myself. I’d hit myself multiple times in the leg or thigh, causing a bruise. I’d use my nails to dig into my skin that causes rash-like marks. Anything that would work to make the thoughts go away. Then as the time went on, we came back to Minnesota. I stopped doing self harm because I was “lazy.” I was in a deep depression, i couldn’t take care of myself properly and be myself. I was a burden. Once we got home, I got my phone back. I directly went to my social media apps to look for Kayle and Cici. “I’m so excited to see them! I can’t wait to text them.” I thought to myself with a small smile plastered on my face. As soon as I opened the app, I saw two things. The 54 messages from Kayle and how Cici had ‘unmatched’ with me. Beforehand, me and Cici had matching usernames and matching profiles so this was a change.. I opened the messages from Kayle to see many messages. “Kris, where are you?!?!? We miss you, please come back soon. And stop getting grounded!” She texted me. I smiled softly seeing how worried she was for me. I read through all the messages and they made me smile, forgetting the fact that i ever self harmed. I was clean for 2 months before I started again. I was forced to stop being friends with one of my best friends Ezra (fake name). I cried to my mother. “Why?! She’s not the reason I’m failing my classes, she’s helping me try and pass. I don’t know why you keep doing this.” I spoke to my mother with tears running down my face, clearly upset. “It’s not that. You and her have been calling every single fucking day, i can’t stand it anymore. You and her call 24/7 without breaks. What are you? An addict? Addicted to calling for hours?” My mom mocked me. I didn’t know what else to say other than to narrow my eyes. I didn’t speak to my mother for a few days and in those few days, things escalated. I found the pencil sharpeners that we bought for school. I stomped on it, ‘crack!’ It broke into many plastic pieces and I picked up the shiny razor in my hand. I locked myself in my room, sliding the razor against my bare skin. The coldness of it slicing through me made all the horrible thoughts go away. I felt so much.. Better like this. The thoughts disappeared as soon as the metal razor placed a pretty red pearl dotted line on my wrist. The blood dribbled down and I did more. “One more is enough.” I mumbled giving myself another pretty little cut. “Maybe.. Just one more. It can’t be that bad, right..?” I thought to myself and placed multiple more red lined cuts on myself. From shoulder to wrist. Spread out and lined evenly. “Wow..” I stared down at myself, disgusted by what I saw. The cuts on my skin ruined my once perfection. I felt horrible, the guilt of going back. I did more. “Just a little more.” I repeated. More, more, more, more. I wanted, no. I needed more. Shiny red pearls leaked from the lines placed on my once perfect skin. The blade slipped from my fingertips as the guilt set in. I clean my wound, wiping away the perfect pearls that lined the cut. It stung badly. They all lined my skin perfectly. It hurt so good, I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. Every inconvenience, I’d do it. Then it moved, I explored with cutting, it went from my shoulder to my wrist to my right thigh then my feet, moving to my hips. Cutting the places I hated most. Although the place I did it most was my arms. Soon after that, I’d always go back to Kayle or my friends and pretend everything was alright and act all happy. I hated that I had to act out everything and all my feelings for Kayle kept growing. I wanted to hang out with her more but i couldn’t, it really couldn’t because of her busy schedule but we both managed. The more me and her talked, the more in common we had and the less I harmed myself. Then one day, I asked her to call. I wanted to make sure she wasn’t some sort of pedofile because I was extremely cautious and what if.. All the feelings i had for her was just a facade, she was just a random troll taking advantage of my feelings. When we both agreed, I called our group chat of me, her and my friends. We all picked up and before we knew, she was a normal person. Exactly how i imagined but we didnt turn on our cameras. When I first heard her voice, I was mesmerized. She sounded absolutely beautiful. “Ah.. Hello?” She spoke. I was stunned because of how she sounded, her voice was almost soft. It was very comforting and sweet sounding. It made me feel butterflies in my stomach. Without thinking, I spoke. “Hi! You’re Kayle, right?” I asked with a smile on my face, even though we couldn’t see through the screen, I could tell she knew I was smiling. After a few minutes, my other friends joined the call and we talked for nearly twenty minutes before she had to leave. The call had me almost.. Paralyzed. That moment, I knew I had fallen in love with someone that lived across the country. I loved her without even seeing her nor touching her. This was memorable. Days after that incident. We talked wayyy more and I’d always smile while texting them. I really loved them. As time went on, me and her grew super close, we could call and text nearly everyday, she made me stop harming myself. She brought me happiness. Then again, i got grounded, i got my phone taken away but i switched it out, me and her continued texting, this was the 6 month mark or so that we started showing real signs of feelings. I kept flirting with her and telling her that she owns my heart. Just corny shit. It was the beginning of fall and school was gonna start up again, this time. I was going back to in person school, in Minnesota. I wasn’t that scared but it was still nerve racking. “Bro, I’m going back to in person school this year.” I texted Kayle. “OMG! That’s good!” She replied quickly. “No, it’s not. I’m hella scared.” I typed. “Don’t be, it’ll be fine. I already started and I’m okay.” She responded. “Whatever you say.” I rolled my eyes as I texted her. It was then that I knew she started school earlier than me. It was gonna be seventh grade. Oof, seventh grade. I sighed deeply, scared of how this year will be. The school year started off decently. I went to Battle Creek for a week before transferring because my bus kept coming late and leaving us outside in the burning Minnesota heat. In Battle Creek, I made this guy friend. He was a real asshole. All he talked about was himself and he just had to put others down for his behalf. After being friends for nearly two days, he wanted to meet my other friends INCLUDING Kayle. He did meet them but it wasn’t the way I expected. He insulted all my friends and showed off “how close we were ” from being friends for just two days. He thought it was funny and he even shamed my friends. I didn’t even know this had happened until I opened the chats and saw everything. Before I knew it, the friend had told everyone and almost everyone either unfriended or blocked me. I didn’t know how to feel other than hurt. He even went as far as to be racist toward Kayle, shes chinese and he called her a “Chinese whore” and “Rice picker” I started cutting again because that friendship was my everything but that stupid asshole had to mess everything up. Thankfully, Kayle trusted me, she believed me and didn’t leave because if she did, i probably would’ve lost myself.. I transferred to Farnsworth a while later. I was a bit spooked by the school and how it had THREE floors. I got toured by Ms. Evans but I still somehow lost my way. I was incredibly shy and since it was my first day, I didn’t want nor did I need friends after what happened at Battle Creek. I remember these beautiful girls coming up to me on my first day and asking me to be friends but since I was in a bad mood, I declined their offer. It’s funny to think about now because me and them are friends. I told Kayle everything about school. If I didn’t have my phone, I’d write notes, letters, whatever I could do. I wanted to keep her updated but I also kept cutting because of how I lost my old friends. As we moved further into the school year, I knew I had to stop otherwise my counselor would realize and I didn’t want to get a call home because of how my mother shamed me so I tried to stop. That didn’t work. I kept cutting, deeper, further, more. I would cover up with long sleeves, bandages, sweaters. Anything to cover my wrists but I moved to just harming my thighs as I never wore shorts to school so it wouldn’t be noticeable. I kept it going until my razors went dull. They couldn’t cut anymore so I was basically clean because I couldn’t find razors. I was clean for a couple of weeks before it started up again. I’ve been at Farnsworth for a good time when flipside started, I joined a class I liked. Kpop. I loved kpop. It was so fun, I loved it. It brought me happiness just like how Kayle did. I stopped cutting, I was nearly 1 month clean. I was happy, i didnt cut myself. I was glad. I was proud of myself. At this rate, me and Kayle were closer than ever. We even started using pet names, that’s how close we were. I loved her. I knew I had to tell her soon or else everything might mess up again. I overthought the situation and it made me scared. I thought that she would reject me. No, it wasn’t that I was afraid of rejection, I was afraid of how she’d think of me after I confessed. I thought and thought and thought. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her so soon. I didn’t want her to find me weird for liking her. We both knew we were somewhat into women but.. What if she was into WOMEN, not me? I kept to myself, I knew we both liked each other but i didn’t have the guts to confess first. I wanted her to confess but it seemed like it wasnt coming any time soon. I was not patiently waiting. I just wanted to tell her I loved her and for her to be mine. I wanted her as my partner, I physically needed to tell her but I just..couldn’t. She made me feel so many emotions, one day she’d like me and the other she’d call me her best friend. Was she messing with me? I loved her as both a best friend and a partner but I knew if I said something, I’d mess our friendship up. |
| I knew I could tell her but I didn’t have the balls to. I always chicken out because I was scared she would think of me differently. Then I asked my school friends for help. This would be my first relationship so I didn’t know how things worked and maybe if I asked for help from my experienced friend, I might be able to ask her out. They told me the three or two month mark. “Get to know them for at least two months before starting anything.” They told me. In response to that I explained to them. “I’ve known them for more than a year.. Is that less than two months?” I laughed nervously. He gave me a shocked expression as if he didn’t know. I mean, he knew I liked someone but he didn’t know I knew them that long. “Then just ask them out..?” He spoke as if I didn’t ask for help. “I can’t-” I got cut off. “You can, you’re just being a pussy.” He groaned, crossing his arms. “That’s not the point, Lilium.(Fake name)” I rolled my eyes. “I’m asking how do I ask her without.. Making her feel uncomfortable..” I asked once again. “Like I said, Kris.” He paused, “Go with the flow, say what’s on your mind. Rejection is okay, babe.” He spoke to me with an awful seductive tone. “Lilium!!!” I grumbled. “Krissss!” He responded in a mocking tone. “You’re literally no help at all.” I said sarcastically. “Well, make your point clear. All youre saying to me is to help you confess but whatever i say, you refuse to do.” Lilium shrugged. “I’m asking you, how do I confess to her without making her uncomfortable? I’m not scared of getting rejected, Lili. I want to tell her but I’m scared.” I shook my head. “Love, you’re overthinking it. Just ask when you think it’s the right time. Don’t rush things, sweetie.” He giggled. “Stop calling me that.” I scoffed. Lilium always did this kind of stuff, he loved pet names and he’s really platonically flirty with his friends. “I know you love it~” He laughed, I laughed along and that’s how things ended. I was still scared to ask her out. I waited like he said and during those times. Me and her got closer but at the same time, we drifted apart. It wasn’t because of the time difference in Florida, it’s only an hour difference. I worried that she didn’t like me anymore, I was super paranoid, I kept things up, me and her continued talking and now it was visible that we both really liked each other, more than friends. I felt a connection to her, unlike anyone else. I wanted to stick by her side and cling onto her. It was almost like an addiction, some sort of obsession. I really loved her, to the point where if i didn’t have her all the time, id go crazy. I’d beg for her. It wasn’t a good toll on my mental health because I was emotionally attached to her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her, she was on my mind 24/7 which wasn’t good. I was worried, I was paranoid, I was anxious. I hated any time without her. It was driving me manic. I wanted to spend every second of the day with her but I couldn’t because she was so.. So far. I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from her, it made me think that she would replace me or find someone better, i even cried about it. It was so bad I relapsed. I never told Kayle I self harmed, I kept it to myself until I opened up to Lilium. “Lili, I have something to tell you.” I sent him a message. “Yes, my love?” He answered playfully, thinking I had good news. “Actually, can I call you? I think it would be better if I spoke instead of text.” My fingers trembled as I sent him the text. “Okayyy!” He messaged me back. I called him, my voice quivered as if my throat was dry. I couldn’t speak a word. “Hello? Kris? Are you there, love?” He asked. I cleared my throat and answered him. “Yeah, sorry. I got lost in thought,” I spoke to the phone. “I have something to tell you.” “What is it, love?” His voice was full of curiosity. I felt.. Almost guilty, it didn’t feel right to tell such an innocent soul that i was self harming, he didn’t need to know but my gut told me to tell him. I wanted comfort, I needed it. “I’ve been self harming.” My voice trembled, the words barely a whisper.They rolled off my tongue like dice. “Kris..” His tone changed to one of concern, “Are you okay?” That wasn’t a good time to ask if I’m okay or not, I’m obviously not. “Yeah.. I’m sorry, I’ve never told you. I felt the need to tell you because you’re my best friend.” My eyes watered as I spoke in a gentle tone. “Sweetie, it’s okay. How long have you been doing it?” He asked me in a sweet tone, his voice almost like honey. “Since last year but.. I’ve relapsed.” I choked out. “Is it because of Kayle?” He questioned, it felt as if he already knew. “N..No.. She has nothing to do with my self harm.” I lied straight to his face. “If you say so,” He paused. “I know there’s probably no way I can help nor help make you stop but I’m glad you told me, Kris. You’re so brave, I am happy you have that type of trust in me to tell me such sensitive things. I’m proud of you, getting through all of this by yourself.” His voice was caring and tender, like a mother talking to her child. It was comforting. I felt like I belonged. This was when I muted myself, I cried because of his words. They hit me in a different place. The comfort I’ve been wanting for so long was finally here. After that incident, he;d become nicer to me. He wouldn’t talk about sensitive topics unless I brought it up and he would always compliment me or praise me. I loved him, he was the best friend I’ve been searching for so long. I told Kayle a while after I told Lilium. “KAYLEEE, I have something important to tell you.” This time, I wasn’t nervous. I felt like she would accept me either way. “Yes, Kris?” She responded. “Can I call you?” I asked. “Yeah, go ahead. Just be quiet though, my mom’s asleep.” She texted. I called her and she picked me up. I saw her beautiful face for the 500th time. Her voice is gentle and calming. “What did you need to tell me?” She questioned. The same thing happened, it was like me and Lilium’s conversation. She accepted me and I stopped. I stopped for her. I wanted her to see me happy. After that day, we were closer than ever. It was now time skip to the end of October of 2022. I got enough information from Lilium, during that whole year of me and Kayle talking, I was building up courage to ask her out. I wanted to be hers and hers only. I was building and planning how things would turn out, I practiced with Lilium and after a week. It was november. That one year that we were friends, we became super close, even if we lived across the country. We vented to each other, we told each other our secrets, we’ve met each other’s friends, we were “the best of friends.” We spent so much time together. building our friendship, it hurts to see us just as friends. So on this day. November 2nd, 2022. I did something. “Kayle.” I texted her. I sat in the quiet classroom of Mr. Brian’s room. I was getting ready to go to my last hour since the class was boring. “Yes, Kris?” She replied. “I have something to tell you.” My fingers barely touched the keys. “What is it?” She asked. “Okay,” I paused, thinking about it. “Nevermind, I’ll tell you later, I’m in class. Sorry for wasting your time.” I chickened out. “☹️” She responded with an emoji. I felt bad for wasting her time but I couldn’t. It was now the seventh hour. Class was about to end so I texted her again. “My last hour just ended, i’ll tell you that ‘something’ in a second.” I shook as I typed that out. I saw she had read my message and now.. I was in the cafeteria room. Sitting at a large table, the loud sounds of happy little kids filled the room. I trembled as I thought about it. Finally, I was in ‘flipside’. I was waiting for me and my group’s teacher to come when I thought to myself, “Do it now or do it never.” I finally said something back. “OKOK FR NOW,” I smiled sheepishly as I typed. “ANSWER BEFORE I HAVE TO GO AGAIN.” It was 4:02pm, ‘flipside’ will start soon. “OMG” she responded. “OKAY. WAIT I’M SCARED HOLD UP.” my fingers touched each key. “WHAT?????” She was probably confused. “Okay,” I paused. “SO… UM.” “GO ON….” She was awaiting what I was gonna say. “Wait, wait,” I was trying to build up the courage. “I’M TRYING TO THINK IF I SHOULD OR NOT..” I REPLIED “OMG JUST GO.” “WAIT THIS IS SCARY ASF” I tried calming myself down to just do it. “Ok…” She obliged. “OKAY. This is fr now.” “ok.” “THIS IS GONNA BE LONG AS SHIT SO LIKE.. WAIT A BIT.” I typed with shaky hands. “OKAY.” “WE’VE BEEN friends?? FOR LIKE IDK.. SINCE WHEN LIKE..IDK, A YEAR AND A COUPLE MONTHS?? I’ve been thinking abt ASKING YOU THIS but im too much of a pussycat. But today.. TODAY IS THE DAY. I’VE NOTICED THAT WE ‘LIKE’ EACH OTHER A LOT. (as in like TALKING A LOT AND GETTING COUPLE APPS.) and i just feel like it;s the time.” I type out, “SO.” “SO??” “WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND???” I asked her out, I ASKED HER OUT. I was so scared, i put my phone down and looked around the cafeteria, “BITCH, I THOUGHT WE WERE ALREADY DATING.” Her sudden response made me laugh a bit. “I NEVER ASKED BC I THOUGHT YOU WERENT READY.” “DHDJDB” “SO….. YES OR NO?” I contemplated asking. “BITCH YOU THINK I’M GONNA SAY NO?” She answered, “YES. YES I WILL.” “OMG YAYAYAYAYAYA.” I typed, i was really happy and excited that she said yes to being my girlfriend. I couldn’t express myself but I was really happy I didn’t get rejected. “This sounds goofy as fuck but im SHAKING.” I was shaking, i was so happy i started to shake, it almost felt like i was gonna cry cause of happiness. “LMAO” they responded. “FORGET ABOUT IT.” I said, trying to make it seem as if I wasn’t shaking out of happiness. “NO, I will never forget about this.” They responded, obviously happ as well.” “OK I HAVE TO GO NOW, I LOVE YOU GIRLFRIEND!!!!!” I texted, I loved this moment, I loved her. “LMAO I LOVE U TOO.” They liked my message. That was how I asked out my now girlfriend. It took a lot of courage and bravery in me but I still managed. The confession was MY actual confession. Now, present time, 12/9/23, me and her are still together. We’ve been happily dating. During this whole story, she was with me, by my side. I love her dearly. We’ve been dating for a year and one month, and we have a healthy relationship. We’ve known each other for two years and four months. I love you Kayle. This story reflects on how even if you and your special person are very far from each other, just know that they’ll always be by your side. It doesn’t matter how far you two are because if you know you both like each other,it’ll somehow work out in the end. Appreciate them because you might lose them. Stay by their side and always be on their side. This story also tells you that even though people go through struggles in their life, they always have a special someone, which might be you, so stick by their side. Stay with them until the very end. Love them dearly because you might not be able to see them again. Thank you for reading my memoir, I appreciate it. |
Farnsworth Stories 